…As others see us
When I sit down to write one of my columns, I often find that I have more to say than the space allows and I need to make cuts.
This month, I want to weave together some of those previously omitted thoughts to deliver a message of their own.
In my April column (“Say cheese!”), I noted that we tend to behave differently when we’re being watched or recorded. The mere act of being observed has a big impact.
In my June column (“Practice makes (im)perfect”), I noted that practice only makes perfect when the practice itself is perfect. I wrote there about a neurologist, Dr. Molly Gebrian, who said that only when athletes and musicians are careful not to make mistakes when practicing will they lay down the neural pathways in the brain that enable them to habitually perform an activity easily and without error.
What I cut from that column for space was something else she said that tied into my April message.
For a pianist to fix a mistake that has become habitual, Gebrian suggested recording yourself while practicing, then listening closely and critiquing how you played, as if hearing someone else play it.
When you can hear how you play the way others would hear it, you are in a better position to judge your performance objectively. Then you can make the changes necessary to achieve the result you really want.
The way we hear the sound of our own voice, the music we make with an instrument, even the intent and meaning behind the words we speak, are seldom identical to what others hear.
If you’ve ever seen a computer-generated transcript of a live presentation that’s not read from a script, you may be surprised by the number of ahs, uhs and misstatements even highly experienced speakers make.
There are at least two major things we can expect to learn from making recordings and listening to ourselves more often and more objectively: We will become conscious of outright mistakes as well as statements or performances we would have done differently had we known how we sounded.
And we might — if we try — develop more empathy for others and their mistakes, once we realize how commonly we make them as well.
Once we become aware of all these things, we start to understand what’s needed to become better – both better at what we do and better people.
There’s a popular saying in business: “What’s measured improves.” Listening to ourselves is one way of measuring what we do and say, and may well lead to some substantial changes in our behavior.
An example of how seeing ourselves the way others do can enable us to improve can be found in popular lore. It’s said that when we die, we see our whole lives pass in front of us before we are “judged.” That way, we are reminded of the things we have done wrong.
There appears to be good evidence that something like this “life review” actually happens, as reported by thousands of people all over the world who have had “near death experiences” (NDEs).
This includes, for example, people who have medically “died” on the operating table or after being struck by lightning, but then are surprisingly resuscitated and report on what they saw and heard while “dead.”
A large percentage of these people say they not only saw their entire life in review, but that they were able to experience each of their actions from the perspective of those whom they affected.
They felt in each situation how they made others feel (including both physical and emotional pain), and heard what others were thinking about them and their behavior at the time.
NDEs are often life-changing for those who go through them, in part for this reason. It completely changes their perspective. They have been gifted a visceral ability to understand how others see and hear them, which brings about a profound change in their future behavior.
We are only human, and mistakes are a major way we learn. But if we can manage to stop repeating our mistakes, we stand a greater chance of changing a lifetime of bad habits and becoming the person we want to be.
One way to do that is to try hearing and seeing ourselves as others do, and then acting accordingly. Sounds like a golden rule to me.
For information about near death experiences, see iands.org. There are also hundreds of personal videos from near death experiencers on YouTube. For a recent program on the subject with Dr. Mayim Bialik, visit: tinyurl.com/BialikNDE.
