Calculating the true cost of marriage
Q: My boyfriend of four years has asked me to marry him. I love him and want to be in this relationship with him forever, but I’m worried about finances for each of us in the future.
It has taken me a long time to be financially stable. I was married for 30 years; my now ex-husband destroyed our credit, and we wound up losing our home to bankruptcy.
My boyfriend and I live together in a rental; we each make about the same amount of money and split all the bills. We’re completely transparent about finances. I don’t see how marriage would change anything in our already very strong relationship.
—Stacy, Wisconsin
A: Congratulations on getting out of a difficult marriage and re-establishing your financial footing. Plus, you’ve found love again!
You’ve asked about marriage, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t note that because you and your partner are living together, you should have a legally binding cohabitation agreement. More on that later.
Some people don’t care whether marriage makes financial sense. Instead, it’s their ultimate expression of a romantic commitment or a spiritual, religious or moral imperative. Others, like you, don’t see how marriage could change anything.
Well, it may not have an impact on your emotional connection and relationship longevity but it could, indeed, have a significant impact on your finances, for better or worse.
On the plus side: Married couples enjoy more than 1,100 tax breaks, benefits and protections that unwed couples do not. (That’s according to the civil rights advocacy group Human Rights Campaign.) For example, only a spouse can claim survivor benefits on some types of pensions; an unwed partner cannot.
On the negative side: In community- property states (and Wisconsin is one of them) both spouses are equally responsible for debts accumulated during the marriage. That means, among other things, that an ailing spouse’s health, medical and long-term care debt could have a devastating financial impact on the healthy spouse.
Unfortunately, this happens often enough that there’s an expression for otherwise loving couples who split up to protect the couple’s assets: “medical divorce.” (That way, the ailing spouse, with no assets or income, becomes eligible for Medicaid.)
It might be a good idea to seek out the services of a fee-only certified financial planner. A CFP takes a deep dive into a couple’s respective tax brackets, retirement accounts, assets and obligations, among other factors, and then presents long-term strategies. Through this, you’ll get a clear understanding of what it means financially, now and into the future, to walk down the aisle.
In the end, though, it’s a personal decision, which leads me to a cohabitation agreement.
A cohab agreement puts protections in place while officially spelling out the financial living arrangements you and your partner have made. It also addresses the unexpected. If one of you decides to move out before the lease is up, for example, is there recompense for the other?
Can’t imagine something like this ever happening in your current relationship? Consider what Alexandria, Virginia-based CFP Colette Kolanko told me for a Dating While Gray episode: “I think it’s fabulous that people can find each other after they’ve gone through trials and tribulations,” she said. “But to make sure that it remains a strong relationship, you want to put in safeguards,” such as a cohabitation agreement. A CFP doesn’t write the agreement but works collaboratively with a family law attorney to establish one.
The process might sound like a hassle, and that reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite TV shows, “Shrinking.” Harrison Ford’s character, Paul, has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. He’s fallen in love with his physician, Julie (Wendie Malick).
Happily living together and with no plans to wed, Paul and Julie are working with an attorney to get all the necessary paperwork in place for medical decision-making and estate distribution. Their attorney remarks there’d be a lot less paperwork if they simply got married. (Spoiler alert: They do!)
So maybe start with a cohabitation agreement, Stacy, and it can turn into a prenuptial agreement if you ever decide you really do want to put a ring on it. Speaking of prenups, that’s the subject of next month’s column.
Laura Stassi is host of the podcast Dating While Gray: The Grown-Up’s Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships and author of Romance Redux: Finding Love in Your Later Years. Send your questions to newloveafter50@gmail.com.