Do you cheat on your spouse (financially)?
According to a recent survey, one-third of adults who combine finances with a partner or spouse have committed financial infidelity.
Of those who said they had cheated, three in 10 hid cash, a purchase, a statement or bill, or even a bank account from their significant other. And 13 percent engaged in more-significant deceptions, such as lying about how much they earn or what they owe.
Not surprisingly, a financial deception ultimately caused an argument nearly half the time. What may surprise you, however, is that fights about money lead to divorce more often than disagreements about chores, in-laws, spending time together or even sex, according to research by Utah State University professor Jeffrey Dew, an expert in money and family relationships.
You can often spot the signs of financial infidelity the same way you spot the other kind — by finding a stray receipt or a statement you don’t recognize.
Sometimes financial infidelity is a symptom of something more serious, such as addiction, gambling or a compulsive buying disorder. Or it could be deeper relationship issues, such as a lack of trust or an abuse of power.
Extreme cases call for a therapist equipped to deal with money issues. Increasingly, therapists are on staff or on call in financial-planning practices.
How to establish trust
Most couples can address financial infidelity with financial psychologist Brad Klontz’s four-step process, which he calls SAFE.
First, “Speak the truth.” It’s crucial to ‘fess up, and then have a serious conversation about your budget, spending habits and goals for the future.
Start by determining whether you and your partner are aligned in your money values. Maybe one of you is focused on the physical comforts of life (a nice house, car, wardrobe), and the other cares more about experiences (travel, the arts or professional sports).
In Klontz’s program, A stands for “Agree to a plan.” Determine joint goals (a down payment on a home, say), then compromise by budgeting for the vacation and the new car.
Maybe you’ll agree to keep a certain portion of your finances separate. (About 35 percent of those committing financial infidelity said they did it because they believe some aspects of their finances should remain private.)
Or perhaps you’ll decide to have a discussion when spending anything over a certain threshold — $100, $200, or whatever the two of you deem appropriate.
F is for “Follow the agreement,” which sounds easier than it is. Revisit your plan in a month or two, so that you can tweak it instead of giving up.
Finally, “Establish an emergency plan.” If you’re fighting a lot or you’re at an impasse, it’s time to consult with a counselor.
Anne Kates Smith is a senior editor at Kiplinger’s Personal Finance magazine. Send your questions and comments to moneypower@kiplinger.com. And for more on this and similar money topics, visit Kiplinger.com.
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