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Dear Solutions:
I see my daughter (a corporate something or other) and my son-in-law (a lawyer) spending more and more money on their children instead of spending more and more time with them as they’re growing, and I’m worried.

The children think everything is coming to them, and that money is the only important thing to strive for. Of course, they’re not striving since they are getting everything handed to them.

I’m retired, and I volunteer some time at a nursing home because we were always taught to pay attention to people less fortunate. But I think the parents today don’t teach this anymore — they’re too busy.

Part of me wants to say something to my daughter and son-in-law, but I don’t want to cause conflict or disturb the peace. I keep being caught up saying to myself, “don’t, won’t, can’t, shouldn’t,” and more of the same.

— All of the Above

Dear All of the Above:
You certainly are caught up — in the generation gap and in your own fears of abandonment.

As life goes on, the roles spin round and round. When our own children were small, they tried to please us because they were afraid of abandonment (by us). Now we try to please them because we’re afraid of abandonment (by them).

You don’t really have to confront them. They are so caught up in their lifestyle that they would probably find it impossible to change things.

What you can do, however, is become a different kind of role model for your grandchildren. Take them with you sometime when you volunteer at the nursing home. Show them that good feelings can come from helping others even if you don’t get paid for it.

If they don’t have to strive for money, perhaps you can help them see value in striving to earn a position where they can effect change and plan for better ways to help less fortunate people. You raised your daughter, so she probably has some of these values stored inside her.

My guess is that she and your son-in-law will appreciate two things: One is you’re not criticizing them or telling them how to live. Two is you’re enriching their children’s lives and giving them another, valuable and exciting perspective on life.

Dear Solutions:
I have two good friends who are also friends of each other. Lately though, they’ve had a disagreement, and they’re constantly arguing about it.

The trouble is that after they finish arguing, each one turns to me individually. They call me, tell me what the other one said, and say, “Don’t say anything to her, but what do you think?”

I’m caught in the middle, and I’m trying to give each one advice to help them patch it up, but it’s becoming really muddled. As soon as I point out what’s wrong in the way it’s handled, I feel a chill coming at me. How to handle this?

— Anne

Dear Anne:
Keep it up, and that chill may become a deep freeze! In ancient times, if a king didn’t like the message, he would kill the messenger.

In your situation, that would translate today into losing both your friends. They’ll probably patch things up, trot off together and leave you behind.

Why? Because what each one really wants is not your opinion but your support. They want you to become their ally. You can’t be an ally to one without alienating the other, so try not to hear a secret no matter how tempting.

The best thing you can do is remove yourself from the middle. Tell them, “I’m leaving for China until you settle this.” Actually, you can tell each one that you are a friend to each, but this is their quarrel, and you can’t get involved.

You’ll see them separately or together, but they own the quarrel, and in order to remain their friend you can’t accept any shares in it. Good luck.

© Helen Oxenberg, 2018. Questions to be considered for this column may be sent to: The Beacon, P.O. Box 2227, Silver Spring, MD 20915. You may also email the author at helox72@comcast.net. To inquire about reprint rights, call (609) 655-3684.