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Dear Solutions:
My daughter is getting married this summer, and although I’m thrilled at this news, I’m also very, very angry. My husband, her father, left me after 35 years of marriage, and is now living with the woman with whom he had the affair that broke up our marriage.

Now my daughter is very upset because her father told her he won’t come unless that woman is part of the greeting line after the ceremony. My daughter wants him there no matter what. I don’t want his girlfriend there — especially as part of the greeting party.

My daughter and I have always been close, and she knows how hurt I’ve been. How should I handle this with her?

People say I should forgive and forget and be friendly. But I won’t forgive this latest nastiness, and I can’t forget it all, and I certainly won’t be friendly to either of them.

— Millie

Dear Millie:
You’re right. You don’t have to forget. You have to remember your daughter! She is caught in the middle, and she needs your help to get out of it and have a happy wedding memory instead of an aggravating event.

Let your husband be the inconsiderate, nasty boor that he is. You rise above it. Leave out all those F words. Instead of “forgive,” “forget” and “friendly,” try “cool,” calm” and “courageous.”

Ignore the boor. People will admire you, and you will be giving your daughter a really loving wedding present — a day of joy for her. She will feel good about you and — surprise — so will you!

Dear Solutions:
My daughter is giving me hard time. My wife died a little over a year ago. I’ve met a great woman who I want to marry so we can travel together.

My daughter says it’s “inappropriate” and too soon, and that I’m “forgetting her mother like she didn’t exist.” I’m not forgetting her mother (my wife). I had a good marriage, and I miss her.

But I’m past 75, and I don’t know what’s appropriate at this age. My daughter says all I think about is having fun, and there’s time for remarriage later.

I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t want to lose my daughter, but this woman takes away my loneliness. What can I say when she says I only think of having fun?

— Fred

Dear Fred:
Tell her time flies even when you’re not having fun!

Try to make her understand that you’re in a different time zone from her. When you’re young, there’s an illusion that there’s time for everything. When you’re older, you become more and more conscious of the limits of time.

Also, people grieve in different ways. People who have had good marriages are much more likely to seek to remarry than to continue mourning. Actually, this is not an insult to her mother but a tribute, since she helped you to see marriage as a plus.

You must do what you feel is right for you, at the same time assuring your daughter that you care about her feelings and hope you and she can remain close. Remember, you are not asking for her permission, only her understanding.

Also, it might be helpful for your daughter to join a bereavement group for a while. This will give her an opportunity to share her feelings and her grief.

© Helen Oxenberg, 2018. Questions to be considered for this column may be sent to: The Beacon, P.O. Box 2227, Silver Spring, MD 20915. You may also email the author at helox72@comcast.net. To inquire about reprint rights, call (609) 655-3684.