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Keeping up my end of the conversation

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By Bob Levey
Posted on December 14, 2021

How does a marriage stay aloft for decades?

Is it money that gets beneath its wings? Passion? Shared history? An agreement to fight only every other day?

Well into my fifth decade of wedded bliss, I’d say it’s all of those. But I’d add the ingredient that my wife and I often cite, and chuckle over.

We call it The Lauren Bacall Test.

In her autobiography, the famed movie star of the 1940s and 1950s said this about how she chose (and stayed with) long-term partners:

“Find me a man who’s interesting enough to have dinner with and I’ll be happy.”

A wonderful litmus test, isn’t it?

Sure, a marriage might founder over dopey relatives, work-life balance and whether to leave the toilet seat up or down.

But for every husband who thinks he can keep her flame lit with fancy trips, after-shave lotion and candlelight dinners, heed Lauren. She has it right.

Don’t take my word for it. My wife is a major believer in the Bacall Test.

Whenever I deliver a smile-inducer at dinner, my wife will grin slyly, gaze at me and simply say: “Lauren Bacall.”

I will have measured up yet again.

Like so many Hollywood top-shelfers, Lauren Bacall did not heed her own bon mot. Hedonistic? Yes, she was. A bit wild? For sure. Known primarily for her looks? No question.

Thanks to my wife, who supplied me with the citations, I have recently learned that Lauren Bacall hopped into relationships with men — and back out again — at a pretty lusty (pun intended) clip.

She married Humphrey Bogart when she was barely old enough to drink.

Bogey was very smart and well-educated, much older and extremely suave. But Bacall writes that he was unfaithful to her. She was also unfaithful to him, she admits, including an affair with none other than Frank Sinatra.

Sinatra promised to marry her, she says, but broke off the engagement when Bacall leaked their plans to a gossip columnist. There is no record of Bacall calling to Sinatra through the gathering gloom, “Come back, Frank! You are such a great dinner companion!”

Undeterred by her early failures, Bacall soon landed with movie great Jason Robards, Jr. Also smart, well-educated, much older and suave. However, Robards was evidently a slug at dinner, because the couple was married for only a short time. Bacall never married again.

So, does Lauren Bacall’s lurid romantic history undercut the accuracy or pungency of her litmus test? Not in my book.

Whenever I pass The Lauren Bacall Test over the bean sprouts or the fish, and see my wife smile that smile I know so well, I realize that it isn’t just that I’ve said something cute or smart. It’s that I have taken my wife seriously as a thinker and a listener.

All of us of a certain age well remember how Hollywood starlets were viewed in the post-war years. Cuties who should say as little as possible. Buxom blondes who should reveal as much as possible. Never a woman noted for her brains.

I can’t recall a female star from that era who ever said anything trenchant or incisive. Mostly, they played second fiddles. First fiddlers always wore pants. They never made a TV show called “Mother Knows Best,” did they?

Lauren Bacall is not alone as a verbalizer among silver screeners of that era. Mae West is still recalled for her saucy observations. Grace Kelly’s tombstone says she “did her best to help others” — not exactly a skin-deep, materialistic sentiment.

But what The Lauren Bacall Test has given us is an honest, crisp, observant take on what makes that age-old male-female thing hum.

I’m already thinking of something Laurenesque to say tonight once Miss Jane serves the salad.

Bob Levey is a national award-winning columnist.

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